I hit a milestone this month. 4 decades, to be exact. I’ve been telling people for months about how excited I was for this birthday – and I meant it. And it turned out to be the best damn birthday I’ve ever had.
Most years I spend my birthday feeling very blah, full of feelings and moodiness. I think, in hindsight, it’s because most years my birthday has felt like an afterthought because it falls on the 3rd and, inevitably, coincides with everyone else’s holiday weekend plans for 4th of July. (Or, in my family, long holiday weekends meant my parents trying to knock out house projects, so my birthday took a backseat to bathrooms being gutted and redone and such).
It’s also because (also in hindsight), I realized I want to legitimately celebrate it. I don’t want just cake and a half-hearted “happy birthday”- I want the candles, going out and doing something fun, and being the center of attention. I’ve spent so many years being envious of other people having these birthday celebrations I’ve wanted, and I’ve spent so many years trying to pretend I’m okay with what effort I do get from the people in my life, and… I don’t know. Something about turning 40 has kind of worked a bit of magic, I think.
I keep excitedly telling people I’m entering my “Fuck It 40s” – and I’m sure they all think I’m being ridiculous or maybe crass. No one in my immediate life, to my knowledge, has ever looked forward to turning any age beyond 21. Being excited for a milestone birthday feels like something only for the younger ones, not grown-ass adults, right? But here I am, excited to say that I’m 40 years old.
I’ve spent years living my life based on the expectations of outsiders. I’ve worked jobs that didn’t fulfill me because everyone told me it was a “good” job and I shouldn’t give that up, despite being so miserable I would sit at my desk and cry (or, in one particular case, was becoming an alcoholic to cope). I’ve hidden a lot of my neurodivergence because people told me I needed to act and talk a certain way to be liked, forever worried that if I slipped up and people saw the “real” me they’d never be my friend. I’ve spent countless hours in business networking situations where I felt awkward and out of place, making small talk with people but never forming deeper connections and wondering what was wrong with me, and if I wasn’t “person-ing” correctly. I’ve toned myself down, to make my personality more palatable to others, over and over and over again for more than 20 years of my life.
And I’m done with that.
The spirit of this new decade feels a bit like a snake shedding its skin. In the month or so leading up to my big day, I could feel myself metaphorically wiggling out of the constraints I lived with for so long. Some things have come easy, like allowing myself to wear a ridiculous tulle skirt and big gaudy cherry earrings for my birthday outfit rather than wearing something that’s more “sophisticated” and “grown-up”.
Other things pop up and require a bit more processing to figure out. I booked a night of drag bingo with my best friend for my birthday evening, and the venue offers a birthday package that came with a cheesy crown, a special cupcake (complete with candle), and a moment in the spotlight on stage in front of everyone. I wasn’t going to do it, if I’m being honest. Despite my big talk about this new era in my life, I was still struggling with the boundaries I’ve lived within, confining and constricting me.
Our server gave me the crown just in case, and I sat there for the first half of the event arguing with myself.
Do I want to do it?Yes!
Why am I saying no to myself?Because I’ve been conditioned to not want the attention and to hide from the spotlight.
Wouldn’t I be happier, at the end of the day, not holding myself back for some bullshit reason? You can’t call it your “fuck it 40s” and then continue to hold yourself back because you’re worried about what other people think. That’s literally the point of this – to stop saying no to things you actually want, to stop caring about the things you don’t actually care about, and to start living your life more authentically and fully. Ok, fine.
Friends, I put on that stupid cheesy crown. I did the birthday throne with the drag queen, was told I looked like I work in HR (rude, but fair lol), and blew out that candle on the cupcake and had my moment in the spotlight. And I enjoyed it. I enjoyed every minute of it. It was, to date, the best birthday I have ever had.
It has been 2 weeks since that amazing birthday. Little things keep popping up here and there, that old skin shedding and revealing the new. I’m finding myself being far more vocal and open about the things I need and want out of life, and I’m unapologetic about it. I’m rethinking a lot. Reinventing, even. I’m 40 years old and know who I am now more than ever, and it’s the most freeing feeling. (Spending your birthday week with your best friend and getting into shenanigans helps significantly, too, and I’m so thankful for this amazing human being coming into my life over 10 years ago and being the most supportive, amazing, gorgeous human being I’ve ever met. Love you, friend ♥)
